Harry Nutsack and the Philosophers Stones
by TheTrueLoyalist
Summary: Harry (no, not Potter), after abuse from his Mexican uncle, starts his fucked up adventure to Wogharts (not a chinese ripoff of Hogwarts) with Ron and Hermione where they do shit. Everything gets fucked up. Parody of Harry Potter.
1. Chapter 1: A Very Bad Day

"WAKE TE FUCK UP YA FUCKTURTLE" Were the words Harry Nutsack-Pubic-Hair-Styles woke up to,

Harry checked his watch. It was 6. Damn.

But Jesus kept knocking on the damn door. Harry got up from his bed in the closet. Harry shouted back "If you keep knocking, I'll skullfuck your mother with your dick"

The knocking stopped. Harry opened his closet door. He looked at the ugly man with a large nose, ugly moustache and large afro that was his uncle. Harry passed Jesus and went to the kitchen.

Life at Pivet Drive was shit. In a typical day, Harry would have to make breakfast for Jesus, watch One Direction music videos with Jesus, be a sex slave for Jesus, clean the toilets and read fucked up porn books ( like the one where a man chops a woman in half and gives her top half a blowjob). All in all, life sucked ass.

Today will be the same thing. Harry walked to the stove and threw bacon on it. He set the temperature to 99 degrees and cooked it.

"Hurry up the damn bacon or I'll force you to watch Harry Styles strip naked" Jesus shouted. Harry hurried the bacon.

The bacon was done. Harry gave it to Jesus. "Close yer eyes Harry, I'm givin ye a treat" Jesus said. Harry closed his eyes. A few seconds later, Harry felt a long item go in his mouth. Tastes like bacon.

Harry opened his eyes and almost threw up. He was sucking his uncles dick, wrapped in bacon. Harry pulled his head back as fast as he could, but wasn't quick enough. Jesus grabbed Harrys head and stuck his mouth in his dick.

"Not so fast are ye" Jesus said to Harry.

The more Harry resisted, the more pressure Jesus put on Harrys neck, making Harry twitch in pain. Finally, harry gave up and fell asleep sucking his uncles small hairy cock.

Harry woke up in a bright room. The room was full of pictures of Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson having sex. Harry tries to vomit, but there's nothing in his stomach.

And something in his mouth.

He tries to swallow but cant. It's like there's a ball in his mouth with straps. Harry looked at a red ball in the mouth. Not good. He tried to get up, but he was chained to the couch. He tried to struggle against the chains, but finally gave up.

Then a snake appeared. Harry tried to scream, but the ball was still stuck in his mouth.

The snake withered its way closer. Nowhere to escape from the coming doom. Harry backed away from the snake as far as he can while the snake went up the couch. Harry felt a slimy skin slime through his balls and behind him.

And then he felt himself get unchained. He brought his hands up and looked at them. No metal on them. And it was thanks to the snake. Next Harry felt the tightness around his mouth loosen and the red ball fall off. "Thanks dicktails" was all Harry could say. The snake then quietly laughed to itself.

"What's so funny" asked Harry. The snake slithered up Harry's leg. Harry jumped in return, but didn't shake off the snake. The snake crawled its way to Harry's ass and squeezed through and into Harrys anus. Harry felt pain cloud his ass. The pain lingered long enough for Harry to fall unconscious.

Harry woke up in a bed. With a dead dog. And his uncle.

And Harry felt aroused at the dog.


	2. Chapter 2: Some Random Letter

The dog laid still, unmoving. A large red cut went across its throat. Harry felt his cock throb hard at the sight of the dog.

"Rape the focking dog ya lil shit" His uncle told him. "Or I'll rape ye guts"

Harry stood up. He was excited that this could be an opportunity to get laid, even if the thing he fucks is dead. Harry walked to the dogs behind and stuck his dick into the dog. It felt great and Harry smiled.

The snake crawled out Harrys ass and harry felt like he was taking a long shit. The snake than says "thanks for the ride mate and slithered away. Cum appeared out the dogs ass as Harry pulled out.

2 in 1 necrophilia and beastiality! What a fucking record!

The window flew open and a letter flew out. Harry caught the letter with his dickhole and read the letter

_Jesus' house_

_4 Pivet drive_

_Dear Harry Louis Nutsack-Pubic-Hair-Styles,_

_You have been asked to go to Wogharts School for retarded wizards. As you're retarded, you are allowed to go. Pick up a dildo, overused fanny and squirrel balls from Diagonal Dragon Alley. Avoid the red dragon named Bendydick Crumpetswatch._

_Love, Ronalda McGonald_

Beside McGonalds name was a strange looking M shaped as golden arches.

Harry smiled and jumped in the air. "Woohoo!" Harry shouted as he was happy to escape Jesus. Then his face hit the floor. Jesus had grabbed his legs and threw them into the air when Harry jumped. "Yer goin with me ya lil fucktard" Jesus said to Harry.

Harry was dragged out the room and downstairs. It hurt like hell when his head hit the stairs several times. At the bottom of the stairs Harry felt a bruise on his head. He was dragged out side and thrown into the side of the car.

It's more like the skeleton of the car. There is no door or roof of the car, just a frame. It looked like a Romanian car. Jesus started the engine and the seat jumped up with Harry in it.

"Stay in the focking car shithole!" yelled Jesus. Harry cant find a seatbelt so he hugged the seat.

Harry hugged the seat for a few hours until they reached a "Moetel" Harry got up and saw an old ugly balding man. Jesus walked up to the man and made out with him as the man was Jesus' lover. The lovers name was Moe. Harry ran inside to change his clothes.

Just as Harry got dressed, Uncle Jesus ran inside and grabbed Harry. He then dragged Harry to the car. "Get iside the fockin car ya shite." Jesus said. Harry replied "But theres no inside, cars outside."

Jesus pulled out a bat from his ass and swung at Harry. Harry dodged and ran from Jesus. He ran until he ran up to Moe.

"Help me!" cried Harry. Moe just smiled and started masturbating. Harry can't move his legs . He didn't know why. Moe masturbated until he nutted in Harry's eyes.

Harry went down screaming. The last thing he saw was a bat swung at his head.

Harry woke up later in an old cabin. He got up to look out the window. Or tried to if there wasn't a trumpet stuck up his ass. The trumpet made noise as harry struggled to the window.

He looked outside and saw he was in the middle of a sea. Lovely

Jesus walked into the room from a set of stairs, a musket in hand. "Doncha move Arry" Jesus said. Harry swung his hands up. Harry cried "please don't shoot me. I didn't have sex yet". Which was totally untrue as he clearly had sex with the dead dog early on.

Then there was a loud bang on the door.


	3. Chapter 3: Hargids Revelation

The door slammed open and a large man walked in. He was huge, with a huge beard and long hair. The giant wore rags and a Metallica T-shirt. Uncle Jesus walked up to the man and said "Bitch I'll shoot ya". Jesus readied his musket and braced himself for combat.

The giant pulled out his pimp cane and pointed it at Jesus.

"Ballus Implodus" the giant said.

A flashing light emerged from the cane and Jesus let out a loud scream. The scream was long and painful as Jesus put his hands over his crotch and fell. The musket fell down and was picked up by the giant.

"Sorry bout tat" the giant said. "Im Hagrid te scuul principal. You mus be Arry" Hagrid said "releasus" and Harry's bonds were freed.

Harry stared at Hagrid. He then said "What happened to Jesus?"

"I used a spell t impode his balls" the giant Hagrid said. "painful isn it? Well im ere t tell ya something". Hagrid took a deep breath, then "YER A MOTHERFOCKIN WIZARD ARRY!"

Harry was shocked at the revelation. He didn't understand what he was. "Im, a…a…a… what?"

"Yer a fockin wizard" Hagrid shouted.

Harry didn't believe Hagrid. After all, tall men were liars. "No I'm just Harry."

"Well, jus Arry, yer a wizard whos gonna go t Wogharts, do spells n shit, fock n owl n meet gingers"

A tear escaped Harry's eye. He didn't want this to happen. Befriending a ginger is a sin. But a minute later, Harry had to accept the truth. He was a wizard and there was nothing to stop it.

Hagrid went inside his coat and pulled out a box. "ere e go Arry"

Harry grabbed the box and opened it. Inside was a dead kitten and a note that read "Happy Birthday Harry". Harry smiled because this was his first gift in his life. "Thanks Hagrid" was all Harry could say.

Harry sat down to play with the kitten while Jesus got up. Jesus staggered to Hagrid and waved his arms around. "Bich I cut ye" Jesus said to hagrid.

Hagrid pointed his pimp cane at Jesus "Youareais turdis"

Jesus fell to the floor as he turned into a man sized feces. Hagrid pulled Harry away from shit Jesus. They went to the door. Hagrid stopped at the door to tell Harry something. "Ememb'r ow Jesus told ya yer parets died fom a car crah?"

"Yep" replied Harry

Hagrid had a long pause "Well yer parets were killt by a dar wizrd named Vadermort. N yer parets also had big arseholes cuz o Vady" Hagrid winked at Harry. "Wanna go t Diagional Dragon Alley with me?"

"Yes" Harry said happily.

Hagrid pulled out his cloak and gave Harry a part of his cloak. "Grab me cloak Arry"

"Ok" Harry said and he grabbed Hagrids cloak


End file.
